Testimony of Emotional Detachment

What's it like to live with a spouse who is Intellectually Locked? Emotionally detached? Of course, when we married, I didn't know that his heart was locked up. There were a lot of good things about my husband and we experienced many wonderful times but because we didn't know how to connect emotionally, there were negative things too.

My husband was a positive person who didn't complain, he was very easy going. He didn't dominate me and was not critical or judgmental toward me. He encouraged me to do things with others and wasn't possessive, selfish, or jealous. I knew he had a big heart and helped others. I knew he cared for me and loved me and never intentionally hurt me.

What I didn't know…..was that as a teenager, he had shut his heart down so he wouldn't get hurt anymore. He had become very independent and self-reliant. I also didn't know that he had made a vow that I wasn't going o dominate him like he'd seen other women dominate their husbands.

I came into our marriage with some rejection issues of my own, and my personality was very different form his. I was sensitive and very sympathetic. I was emotional and I wanted to please my husband.

We thought so differently. I always wanted to discuss things and he hated discussions. I could never understand that and so I usually took it personal. Asking myself, "What did I do wrong?" and asking him, "Why don't you want to discuss with me?" I've only found out in the last few years why he didn't want to have discussions. When he was growing up, they were never good. Discussions were always angry, bitter and negative. They made him feel terrible so he never liked to discuss anything.

So, very early in our marriage as a sensitive bride, I very often got my feelings hurt. My opinions and thoughts were never asked for and I didn't feel very important or valued. I felt misunderstood and had a lot of negative thoughts.

I'd ask him, "Why do you love me. Besides that I wash your cloths, cook for you, and take care of things?" "I mean why do you love ME?" "What do you like about who I am?"

My heart was crying out for him to talk to ME, to talk to my HEART. I wanted to be valuable to him. I wanted to "help" and have a part with him. I often wondered, "Why don't you care what I think?"

When I couldn't make him understand how I felt, then I'd feel rejected. This pattern continued for many years. This is what would happen inside of me:

·         Something would happen and I would feel REJECTED;

·         I would WITHDRAW – get quiet, and not want to talk anymore;

·         I'm not basically an angry person. I'm not a fighter, so I'd just SHUT DOWN;

·         I'd CRY and blame myself and I'd take everything personally;

·         Whatever tension or distance was between us, I would take as MY FAULT.

He didn't like it when I cried. He didn't know how to sympathize with me and he didn't know how to comfort me. He mostly knew how to be logical.

The first year of our marriage, he forgot my birthday. Now, in my family, birthdays were always a big thing, a special day. In his family, birthdays were NOT a big thing at all. So, when he realized that he had forgotten my birthday and I was hurt, he said, "Do you think I meant to hurt you?" "Do you think I did it on purpose?" I responded, "Well, no you didn't MEAN to hurt me." That was the end of it for him. There was no "I'm sorry," no comfort, and no validation that I got hurt.

So many times after a logical, reasonable explanation, I'd feel down on myself for being too sensitive. Then I'd feel guilty, it's my fault again, and I'd be "sorry I brought it up." There was a longing in my heart that he would talk to me, to my heart, but he didn't know how. I'd try to find out what was going on inside of him and I'd ask questions. But that didn't work either.

Questions:                                                                 Answer:

What are you thinking about?                               Nothing

How are you feeling?                                              Fine

Are you upset about something?                          No

Did I do something wrong?                                                No, why do you ask that?

Could we talk?                                                         Sure, go ahead and talk

I wouldn't understand why he wouldn't share his heart with me. He could finish my sentences and he had an answer to fix me. He could reason everything out and he could even pray for me, but he could never let me in his heart. Without any encouragement, sympathy, validation, compliments or comfort, my heart shriveled up and got bitter.

It has been a process over the years, dealing with my own heart, forgiving, cleansing, taking down the wall of bitterness, and finding my identity in Christ.

In 2001, the miracle happened. God unlocked my husband's heart, and even that has been a process. He looks at me differently, and as he lets me in his heart, he sees that I am for him. He understands that I don't want to dominate him but that I just want to be heard and understood. He wants to listen and care for me. He can comfort me when I cry and he encourages me when I'm down. I feel valuable and cherished. His heart is open to me and I love it.

What was the process to bring these hearts close together?:

The process applied to reaching the heart is called “Soul Care”. Jesus demonstrated to us how he cared for the heart of the wounded. He cared for them on a heart level and we do the same. As couples and individuals sit in front of us, all we can do is care for them on a heart level. In the process we take a look at their life story and soon the core issues begin to be seen. Now the caring process can begin. If a wife is able to care for her husband’s hurts and damage he received while he was a little boy, his heart feels cared for and can relax. If she does not understand his hurts and pain that he carried in his heart, he will not connect with her. His heart will stay hidden behind the wall.

Caring for the pain in our hearts is key to freeing the heart. Jesus steps into the pain by meeting the person in their pain, and a spouse will care on a day to day basis so that the heart can remain in freedom.

Give our office a call if you desire to be free and let us come along side of you and assist you bringing Jesus into all of your pain. (928-970-2618 or 928-970-2439……please leave a message your name and number so we can get back with you.)